sanity restoration project volume 1

aesthetics and visuality of kendrick lamar's humble.+ the latest and beyond unsolicited pop-culture references. big time, big mood, big serotonin deficit, big pitch of obscurity. this is going really good.

need to go back to basics, eat almost next to nothing and be healthy, balanced, calm like the bullet splitting through a wall, this is my, hm, this is my visual novel from the deepest depths of my head. still not trippy enough, never will be.

look what i am whippin up, i am so pretty. not pretty enough tho. get a cleanser, erase your pores, your epidermis, go blood deep, till the corners of your tear ducts. still not clean enough? delete your relationships, delete you. watch memories, unable to forget, eating that, eating breakfast, lunch, dinner, still thinking about your relationships? they never existed. cease. still not pretty enough, grab a fork, grab cutlery, eat, eat more or eat less, eat your mom and then your dad, eat your knowledge, eat your boyfriend, your anxiety, eat that with your bare hands please, grow a huge belly that is almost bursting into deep space, huge belly like a ballon and now a door is shut wide open, furniture from ikea, you are in the corner of your room, probably this is also dinner, you are on the dinner plate, being served. then let people eat you with forks and knives, probably let them chew you too, spit you, digest you, same old story, still not trippy enough. never will be.

you can buy prettiness, certainly. you even can buy food, do you know that? you must be really a smarty pants. never re-read what you have already typed down. that will spoil the words. nurish your sentences but starve your ego. probably still not deep enough.

are you eating enough? you are so skinny, your face is hollow, you are almost next to nothing, please eat something for the love of god, you look like death, are you winning at life?

my dad told me i could be anything if i'd wanted it real bad. i guess i am just real bad at wanting things then. i aint want nothing, i wanna be nothing. just so you know.

all i need is food for free, more greens and whole-foods, plants to stuff my mouth with, be healthy, balanced like the bullet splitting through a brick wall. variety nourishes, i do not need anything at this point anymore. leave me alone, sanity restoration project volume one, if you reach this point, let me say, you are one brave of a human. someone is going to eat you too, sooner or later. but you are already aware of that, smart child. photo via tumblr

nothing's gonna hurt you baby

safe-spaces (either imaginary/virtual or actual) for me when i am feeling utterly blue/down/unwanted/agitated:
*the music of cigarettes after sex, mild orange, thesecondsex, mogwai, unders, kudasai, mondo grosso, etc)
*peaches (i don't know why or since when but peaches serve as an ultimate calm down factor in my life; probably i am exaggerating but oh well, it is almost peach season)
*skincare - not a long time ago, i have come across a really good skincare platform and i am hooked officially. probably i will somewhat get into a selfcare-vortex in the near future as i am prone to do things really passionately, impulsively, without self-control or any boundaries actually. i'll try to fight the urge, tho)
*the voice of george ezra (i could argue on how his pitch and tone and talent go together so well but it is nothing but a waste of online matter, so! listen to ezra, bottom line)
*sketching (as i am typing these lines, suddenly realized i forgot to purchase a black marker today, so no sketching for me for a while, i guess. although, i will try to substitute it with charcoal or a basic graphite, i'll figure it out later)
*talking in english. yes, thinking and talking in english make me really comfortable (it has not always been the case tho! i used to be so afraid of speaking in front of people in english, i would actually shiver and my voice get so high and shaky, oh man, i have come such a long way since my early teens!). lately i have been experimenting with german but apparently german does not do as good as english, poor me. (note that i am trying to learn german so deperately! too bad it is not as flexible as english, so my wandering, kind of radical-language-learner attitude does not help but hold me back from achieving that perfect german _violence_. i mean that german precision; more and more stereotypes, oh my.
*this blog. i have been neglecting this platform lately (hah lately? i mean for years!) so big plan for this summer is to gain back the control over this blog once again. (after how many attempts? i have lost track of the actual number) and write at least two entires per week. that would be so great and should serve as a great medium to express myself.
photo via tumblr